Poetry

Words are swirling around my head, its been years since I've had the inspiration. That's not a good word to describe this-its not inspiration, its a need that I can not deny. Just by typing out the first one my head is already clearing just a bit. I'm also going to start posting some of my older poetry; if you like them, spread the word for me. I'd love to get published and am looking into it, for now publishing on here will suffice.

Untitled

Bleak and grey,
Black stone
Gone.

Forever lost souls
Reaching searching
Gone.

Light or life
Choice none
Gone.

Thoughts on a rainy day...

Part of the reason I think dh is still at hospital is because he is still insisting on his own altered reality, which involves lying of course, but definitely not telling the truth. I'm not completely sure the reason why he's still there, I haven't asked for details about his condition, I only know she said "until he's in better shape" or something like that. From some of the questions asked of me by the psychiatrist, I know he is still putting the blame anywhere but on himself. I don't want to hear that he's crying, or what he's lying about, or how much he's hurting--I've spent so many years only ever focusing on HIM. And yea, he'll forever blame me for this, I am sure. I have heard the "not loving enough, not affectionate enough" over and over. Oh, of course we are supposed to just melt into the arms of lying, cheating, scheming a**holes! The psychiatrist did try to say something about possibly dh doesn't have SA, but that it all relates back to the bipolar disorder. CR*POLLA!! I'm not saying its not related or is related, but the addiction is there, regardless of what started him in that direction. And if they do choose to not treat the addiction as separate (although that is something this place stresses, that they treat the illness AND the addiction, as separate entities), then as long as dh goes away, then they can all live in denial ignorantly ever after. I understand mental illness, I have seen it first hand and second hand, I feel bad for people with mental illness; however, those that do not get help or accept help placed before them over and over, I can not feel bad for anymore.
It was amazing this weekend to come to the realization that I am done. I absolutely can not take any more from him. Its been too mnay years. Its hard in a way, to say it, because its kind of against my nature. Or what I perceived as my nature, which was really co-dependent, wanting to fix and help everyone. I'm finally seeing that I can be caring, and generous, and loving, and giving--as long as I'm not hurting *me* or the kids in the process.
Honestly, I'd like to know how he's doing, I guess. No, scratch that; I'd only like to know how he's doing if I thought he was really being helped. There was a time, even as this all was unravelling, that it still hurt to think of him as hurting; then suddenly it was like I had an awakening, and realized he was playing me yet again. Maybe the fake suicide attempt? Ya think? lol. I don't miss him. What's really wierd is right now I don't even hate him. I just don't--anything. Healthy maybe? (just nod your head in agreement for me even if you don't feel it. ha ha) I haven't been able to do anything with his clothes, papers, messes..not from emotions, and not because of anger (well, not anymore...); they are just the things from this person that used to live here. I wonder if I 'll ever get to a place where I will feel at least the slightest bit of, well, anything towards him? Maybe yes, maybe no, only time will tell. He has hurt us so deeply, in so many ways, it will take a long time for these wounds to heal. And my wound has been gaping and open for so long that, as it first started healing, it actually hurt more. Now I'm beginning to feel the relief. It's slow but it's steady and I will do all I can within my power to make sure it does not re-open. I'm sure there are many wounds in my future, they are unavoidable and part of life; I want to FEEL everything! I think I can handle pain in such a different way than I used to. Its okay to feel it--its the only way to acknowledge that it's there and do something about it! Yes, I can feel pain and let it go; no longer do I have to retreat into myself, hurting and shamed. I know the better I get at that process, the more true joy and happiness and LOVE I'll be able to feel, too. That's what I want for my kids, I want them to know to LIVE and LAUGH and LOVE!

Still funkin'....

And tired of it. I know I am in this ridiculous funk, I know the reasons for why I'm in it; yet I can't pull out of it. Its a process. Time will heal all wounds. Things will get better. Yea, I can say that over and over but its not helping. I know that I am strong, because I fully acknowledge that I could pull into my shell, retreat to never come out again. I will keep trying, but damn it, I'm tired of feeling like every turn is the wrong turn. Clearly I am still not letting God have control enough yet; if I could just see clearly what it is I'm still holding onto. Oh, wait--I do know the answer to that, don't I. I do not believe I am using circumstances as excuses, because that would then negate the whole watching for and seeing signs. I have to believe, or rather, I *want* to believe, these roadblocks are there for reasons, and that at some point that light will shine at the end of the tunnel.

Faith...

Or lack thereof? I can't say necessarily that I'm questioning my faith; I know believe completely, with all of my heart and all of my mind, that God is in control, that only God has the power. I suppose it could be that I am pondering the strength of my faith in some way. Am I not believing strongly enough? Am I still trying to control too many things? Am I misenterpreting messages? Maybe I need to re-read the story of Jacob and how he wrestled with it all. No, I'm not liking myself to Jacob--although actually, maybe we are all like Jacob, searching and wrestling with all that should be plainly visible to us. When I was younger, growing up, I had these recurring dreams that were centered around God and my belief in Him. They were powerful and, while I can absolutely remember the dream in detail, I wish the dream would return to me, because I can't quite "feel" it. There is a point in the dream where I put my hand in God's hand and the warmth, love, and security I would feel were the most comforting feelings I had ever felt. Maybe I have a block on it, because I simply can not call up that feeling. I need to find a way to tap back into that, and allow myself to fully believe that I can let Him guide me. I just can't find a way to take recent events and make sense of it all.