Flashbacks and Whatnot

Without warning and with fast and furious power, flashbacks have riddled my mind with a sense of reality I thought was long gone.

Celiac and the Junk Food Junkie

This was my lunch today:

We were at a family party yesterday and there were leftover veggies--I suppose maybe it was the drool dribbling down my chin that clued my niece to ask if I'd like to bring them home. 

WHO AM I AND WHAT DID I DO WITH ME?

Me. Drooling over fresh vegetables. Me. The person to whom everyone would send all the cookies and cakes and candy leftovers. Me. The person would be perfectly happy with a day full of cookies only for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. 

Oh Celiac, look what you've done to me!

Not a day goes by that I don't have some type of fruits or vegetables. This is astounding! I'm still sorting through this new world of being gluten-free and certainly still have my doubts and concerns, but something about this must be good. I'm reading labels and increasingly avoiding those that have things that are too hard to pronounce or soy which I believe is more of a culprit in our health than gluten but that's another story.

My first steps into gluten free cooking brought me to the store and this was my cart:

My eyes were crossing, my head was spinning and my wallet was CLEANED OUT. The pizza I made wasn't bad but definitely needed improvement. 

I've tried to concoct and improvise: 

First bread attempt, only weighed about 50 pounds lol!

I read articles. I looked at pictures. I pinterested. I read blogs. As I realized converting my recipes over to gluten free was going to take a while, that strange thing I eluded to as this started happened. I began to eat fruit and raw vegetables. Finally I tried roasting some veggies with olive oil and a little seasoning, and a beautiful new relationship began. Never did I realize the burst of flavor that comes from a bite of roasted cauliflower with olive oil, fresh garlic, tomatoes, and seasoning. I had no idea the lusciousness baked zucchini with tomatoes and mozzarella held! What a wonderful (foody) world!

Don't worry, I've discovered Cup4Cup flour and through experimenting with it, I've been able to have my cookies, too--and no one can tell they are gluten free! 

White Chip Pumpkin Muffins

Cream Cheese Cookies

Chocolate Chip Cookies

And breads. Yes, breads are coming along. These rolls were made using Gluten Free on a Shoestring Nicole's recipe from her cookbook:

 

 Much more to come, stay tuned!

I am a Celiac

I can say that and begin to finally accept it, simply because, ya gotta admit, it sounds like something goofy that I would say when I'm just goofing around. Only it isn't goofy and I'm not goofing around.

Celiac disease isn't a diagnosis that is considered to be horrific, and it is usually controllable through extreme vigilance in anything and everything a person ingests. Here's the problem I see with it: so many people are being flippantly diagnosed that the disease (or syndrome, properly) has taken on an almost cavalier type of dismissal. I am guilty of being a naysayer. My mom was suddenly diagnosed this past spring and, while it did seem to make sense because of the painful esophagus problems she has had for years, it did NOT make sense to me to be tested as she kept insisting. My mom learned more about Celiac and went to support groups and went gluten free. Her doctors and new support buddies told her Celiac is genetic and that her kids should be tested as should their children. I scoffed. I read a little, considered it, but put it all off. I didn't have stomach problems after all, how could I possibly have Celiac? Mom told me, and I read, about people that have no outward symptoms yet Celiac was silently doing damage to the intestines and/or laying the groundwork for cancers to form. Still I didn't get tested, even after my own initial bloodwork showed I was ANA positive. (ANA testing is an initial marker, and somewhat debatable test, for autoimmune disease)

No stomach problems, I insisted!

Those pains I'd get that would leave me doubled over in pain and render me immobile?

"Oh, that's just gas," I'd say.

The awful and embarrassing flatulence (that's right, I'm using the correct word) and burping?

"That's just me being me trying to be both the woman and the man of the house," I'd say. Embarrassed.

The sores in my mouth? The cavities and messed up teeth?

"Not enough vitamins," "It was the asthma medicine that did it," I'd rationalize.

Vitamin D ridiculously low (it has been as low as 7, is now "up" to 17, normal is above 30) and severe anemia?

"Um, well..."

Aches and pains 24 hours a day, 7 days a week? 'Fever days' as I've called them with low fever for a day or as long as a week or 2? Inexplicable dizziness? Exhaustion that feels like hitting a a steel enforced concrete wall?

Okay, it was time to follow up and find out what was going on, even though I was still skeptical because I had a reason/excuse for every problem that had popped up. When I went in to get the results of the Celiac screen lab report, I'm not sure who was more surprised--my Dr. or me. Not only did I test positive for all antibodies, I scored out of the park on a couple..typical overachieving test-taker, I always was in school.

Stay tuned, more to come.

My thought for today

The barriers in place are mine, only I can push through them. As soon as I fully grasp that I can walk through I will realize it won't hurt; summoning the courage to believe that, is the block.

Just me and my thoughts...

"By trying to heal that hurt I am rejecting a large piece of me."--L.R. 1-2-11
Learning that rather than trying to heal the past I need to accept it as real, genuine, and the past; I can not change it or fix it, it happened and now it is time to leave it behind. The pain is as much a part of me as the joy; who I am now came from all that has been before.

Connections for Freedom from Domestic Violence

I am a domestic violence survivor, now a full time college student pursuing a law degree. Providence House helped make that a reality for me with the services given to myself and my children. Providence House Outreach http://providencehousenj.org provides support and counseling to clients. I was given the education and support to understand the effects and realities of domestic violence, and my children were also provided the same. The Outreach center staff presents domestic violence support groups, parenting groups, as well as individual counseling. Through Providence House and my own internet connection I was able to keep myself informed and safe; I want the same for other women on the same difficult journey.

Internet safety is being recognized as critical to protecting oneself in domestic violence situations(www.ncadv.org) Victims may use the internet to email friends/family where they are, discuss attempts to leave, research options for help; the abuser can find this information, putting the victim at higher risk of violence. Internet access opens doors-to domestic violence education (how to heal, handling the court process, getting help), and to a viable future through online schools or certificate programs. These modems also act as flash drives so important information can be saved on them.

If you or someone you know can help in any way possible, please do! You can donate via paypal, I will message you with the account. Thank you so much for any help you may be able to give.

GOALS ($5000)

• To provide at least 10 wireless no contract modems to Providence House

• To provide at least two prepaid service cardswith each modem

• Purchase 2 laptops (net books) for clients to use, at the Outreach Center.

PROJECT PLAN

• 10 modems $500
  

• Two 3-month prepaid internet service cards per modem $2400

• Two laptop computers to be kept at the Outreach Center $1100
  

• The remainder of the money would be there to purchase lost or damaged modems during the year.

Requirements to receive the modems would include:

• Client must sign an agreement that only the client and/or client's children will use the modem, and that modem use is temporary.

• client must sign an agreement acknowledging internet safety

• modem will be given with a list of helpful DV websites

• clients must participate in ongoing support groups at Providence House Outreach Center, to receive a modem (with staff approval)

Poetry

Words are swirling around my head, its been years since I've had the inspiration. That's not a good word to describe this-its not inspiration, its a need that I can not deny. Just by typing out the first one my head is already clearing just a bit. I'm also going to start posting some of my older poetry; if you like them, spread the word for me. I'd love to get published and am looking into it, for now publishing on here will suffice.

Untitled

Bleak and grey,
Black stone
Gone.

Forever lost souls
Reaching searching
Gone.

Light or life
Choice none
Gone.

Thoughts on a rainy day...

Part of the reason I think dh is still at hospital is because he is still insisting on his own altered reality, which involves lying of course, but definitely not telling the truth. I'm not completely sure the reason why he's still there, I haven't asked for details about his condition, I only know she said "until he's in better shape" or something like that. From some of the questions asked of me by the psychiatrist, I know he is still putting the blame anywhere but on himself. I don't want to hear that he's crying, or what he's lying about, or how much he's hurting--I've spent so many years only ever focusing on HIM. And yea, he'll forever blame me for this, I am sure. I have heard the "not loving enough, not affectionate enough" over and over. Oh, of course we are supposed to just melt into the arms of lying, cheating, scheming a**holes! The psychiatrist did try to say something about possibly dh doesn't have SA, but that it all relates back to the bipolar disorder. CR*POLLA!! I'm not saying its not related or is related, but the addiction is there, regardless of what started him in that direction. And if they do choose to not treat the addiction as separate (although that is something this place stresses, that they treat the illness AND the addiction, as separate entities), then as long as dh goes away, then they can all live in denial ignorantly ever after. I understand mental illness, I have seen it first hand and second hand, I feel bad for people with mental illness; however, those that do not get help or accept help placed before them over and over, I can not feel bad for anymore.
It was amazing this weekend to come to the realization that I am done. I absolutely can not take any more from him. Its been too mnay years. Its hard in a way, to say it, because its kind of against my nature. Or what I perceived as my nature, which was really co-dependent, wanting to fix and help everyone. I'm finally seeing that I can be caring, and generous, and loving, and giving--as long as I'm not hurting *me* or the kids in the process.
Honestly, I'd like to know how he's doing, I guess. No, scratch that; I'd only like to know how he's doing if I thought he was really being helped. There was a time, even as this all was unravelling, that it still hurt to think of him as hurting; then suddenly it was like I had an awakening, and realized he was playing me yet again. Maybe the fake suicide attempt? Ya think? lol. I don't miss him. What's really wierd is right now I don't even hate him. I just don't--anything. Healthy maybe? (just nod your head in agreement for me even if you don't feel it. ha ha) I haven't been able to do anything with his clothes, papers, messes..not from emotions, and not because of anger (well, not anymore...); they are just the things from this person that used to live here. I wonder if I 'll ever get to a place where I will feel at least the slightest bit of, well, anything towards him? Maybe yes, maybe no, only time will tell. He has hurt us so deeply, in so many ways, it will take a long time for these wounds to heal. And my wound has been gaping and open for so long that, as it first started healing, it actually hurt more. Now I'm beginning to feel the relief. It's slow but it's steady and I will do all I can within my power to make sure it does not re-open. I'm sure there are many wounds in my future, they are unavoidable and part of life; I want to FEEL everything! I think I can handle pain in such a different way than I used to. Its okay to feel it--its the only way to acknowledge that it's there and do something about it! Yes, I can feel pain and let it go; no longer do I have to retreat into myself, hurting and shamed. I know the better I get at that process, the more true joy and happiness and LOVE I'll be able to feel, too. That's what I want for my kids, I want them to know to LIVE and LAUGH and LOVE!

Still funkin'....

And tired of it. I know I am in this ridiculous funk, I know the reasons for why I'm in it; yet I can't pull out of it. Its a process. Time will heal all wounds. Things will get better. Yea, I can say that over and over but its not helping. I know that I am strong, because I fully acknowledge that I could pull into my shell, retreat to never come out again. I will keep trying, but damn it, I'm tired of feeling like every turn is the wrong turn. Clearly I am still not letting God have control enough yet; if I could just see clearly what it is I'm still holding onto. Oh, wait--I do know the answer to that, don't I. I do not believe I am using circumstances as excuses, because that would then negate the whole watching for and seeing signs. I have to believe, or rather, I *want* to believe, these roadblocks are there for reasons, and that at some point that light will shine at the end of the tunnel.

Faith...

Or lack thereof? I can't say necessarily that I'm questioning my faith; I know believe completely, with all of my heart and all of my mind, that God is in control, that only God has the power. I suppose it could be that I am pondering the strength of my faith in some way. Am I not believing strongly enough? Am I still trying to control too many things? Am I misenterpreting messages? Maybe I need to re-read the story of Jacob and how he wrestled with it all. No, I'm not liking myself to Jacob--although actually, maybe we are all like Jacob, searching and wrestling with all that should be plainly visible to us. When I was younger, growing up, I had these recurring dreams that were centered around God and my belief in Him. They were powerful and, while I can absolutely remember the dream in detail, I wish the dream would return to me, because I can't quite "feel" it. There is a point in the dream where I put my hand in God's hand and the warmth, love, and security I would feel were the most comforting feelings I had ever felt. Maybe I have a block on it, because I simply can not call up that feeling. I need to find a way to tap back into that, and allow myself to fully believe that I can let Him guide me. I just can't find a way to take recent events and make sense of it all.

"The Fourteen Days Of Homeschool"

I got this in my email, we all loved it!

written by a homeschool mom and her kids

(Sing this to the tune of "THE 12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS")

On the first day of home school my neighbor said to me, "Can you home school legally?"

On the second day of home school my neighbor said to me, "Are they socialized, can you home school legally?"

On the third day of home school my neighbor said to me, "Do you give them tests, are they socialized, can you home school legally?"

On the fourth day of home school my neighbor said to me, "What about P.E., do you give them tests, are they socialized, can you home school legally?"

On the fifth day of home school my neighbor said to me, "YOU ARE SO STRANGE! What about P.E., do you give them tests, are they socialized, can you home school legally?"

On the Sixth day of home school my neighbor said to me, "How long will you home school, YOU ARE S0 STRANGE, what about P.E., do you give them tests, are they socialized, can you home school legally?"

On the seventh day of home school my neighbor said to me, "Look at what they're missing, how long will you home school, YOU ARE SO STRANGE!, what about P.E., do you give them tests, are they socialized, do you home school legally?"

On the eighth day of home school my neighbor said to me, "Why do you do this, look at what they're missing, how long will you home school, YOU ARE SO STRANGE, what about P.E. do you give them tests, are they socialized, do you home school legally?"

On the ninth day of home school my neighbor said to me, "They'll miss the prom, why do you do this, look at what they're missing, how long will you home school, YOU ARE SO STRANGE!, what about P.E., do you give them tests, are they socialized, do you home school legally?"

On the tenth day of home school my neighbor said to me, "What about graduation, they'll miss the prom, why do you do this, look at what they're missing, how long will you home school, YOU ARE SO STRANGE!, what about P.E., do you give them tests, are they socialized, can you home school legally?"

On the eleventh day of home school my neighbor said to me, "I could never do that, what about graduation, they'll miss the prom, why do you do this, look at what they're missing, how long will you homeschool, YOU ARE SO STRANGE, what about P.E. do you give them tests, are they socialized, can you homeschool legally?"

On the twelfth day of homeschool my neighbor said to me, "Can they go to college, I could never do that, what about graduation, they'll miss the prom, why do you do this, look at what they're missing, how long will you homeschool, YOU ARE SO STRANGE, What about P.E., do you give them tests, are they socialized, can you homeschool legally?"

On the thirteenth day of homeschool I thoughtfully replied: "They can go to college, yes you can do this, they can have graduation, we don't like the prom, we do it cuz we like it, they are missing nothing, we'll homeschool forever, WE ARE NOT STRANGE!, We give them P.E., and we give them tests, they are socialized, AND WE HOMESCHOOL LEGALLY!

On the fourteenth day of homeschool my neighbor said to me, "How can I get Started, why didn't you tell me, where do I buy curriculum, when is the next conference, WILL PEOPLE THINK WE'RE STRANGE? I think we can do this, if you will help us, can we join P.E. and we'll home school legally."

Faith part 2

Hmmm, this having faith thing is really proving itself to me, maybe a bit too much? No, no, I know I only get what I can handle and/or need at any given moment. Trying to decide what actually are "messages" and what are not is so hard. I suppose everything is a message, really; decoding is the difficult part. I could take things as all messages and just keep going, day by day, using my thinking of as long as I do one thing each day that takes me in a forward progression for my life than its good. Then I find myself stuck, feeling as though I *must* pay attention to each message and find a way to act or re-act to them. This is my stumbling point, and I have to figure out a way through this.

Grey's Anatomy????

Okay, I do love this show again, or at least, I really was loving this show again...but, what the heck is the deal with Izzy and Denny? The first episode he was on, okay; then another, and another, and now I think its been 4 episodes with no explanation and its annoying!! There, I feel better. :)

Faith

At times like these, people would say "your faith is being tested". Years ago, I'd have absolutely believed the same thing. Now, however, as I've read, studied, absorbed, and embraced different aspects of faith, my perspective is completely different. See, I think that for a lot people, that statement is a negative; that G-d is punishing a person for losing faith. I feel like its more of a gentle, loving reminder that He is still here, with me. That no matter how bad things may be, they could always be worse. The past few days I have found myself sinking into a bit of a "funk" (I don't want to call it depression, ummmm...denial anyone). I opened my inbox to find a request for a daily gratitude list--just 3 things I'm grateful for, each day. I firmly believe that is my G-d saying "hellooooooooooo, I'm heeeeeeere, remember??" Over the past week, a hospital in Hamilton (Children's Specialized Hospitals) went out on a limb to accept whatever our insurance pays them to get Zachary in. I was moved to tears by this outreach after months upon months of frustration trying to get him an evaluation somehwere that didn't cost $2000 up front just to walk in the door. This woman closed the "rule" book and spoke to her insurance people and got it done for us. There's G-d again...He's everywhere, huh! And I guess that's His whole point, to remind me He really is everywhere. Perhaps a couple weeks ago, or months ago, ahd I called this place, I may have spoken to someone else who would have just said no. Had Brooke not told me about bringing her daughter there I probably wouldn't have tried, as I do think I had called them at some point in the process. My faith is strong, and I just have to remember that my faith is strong. As a friend said once, I have to remember to "rest in the arms of G-d". Not walk with G-d, not find G-d; remembering I can rest in His arms is the knowledge that He is right here, with me, always.

Life is funny, and.....

all I can say is, WTF? Yes, I know, ugly language and I apologize, its just what is going through my head the past couple days. Kind of like a mantra--"wtf, wtf, wtf, wtf..." can you just imagine it? Festive season, smiles and joyful tunes abound, and all I hear in my head is "la la la laaaaaa wtf la la la wtf la la la laaaa wtf". At least I'm not asking "why?". I'm so ready for the hidden cameras to become visible so I can see its all a setup. And confetti will rain down upon my upturned face, as I scream in surprise and joy--oh crap, choke choke, that damn confetti just went down my throat, argh..wait, no, no confetti just my cough and reality.
"Life has a funny, funny way of helping you out when you're feeling down and everything blows up in your faaaaaaaayaaaaayaaaace...." Words by Alanis Morisette. I'll wait for the reasons, I'll watch for the signs pointing me in the right direction. I'll work back towards digging down deep and get that faith I have rolling me along again. Some day I'll look back and laugh. NOT! I've already erupted in fits of inappropriate, untimely giggles, why wait?

Why a new blog?

I need a "place" to journal my own grownup world. This will be my place to peruse the far reaches of my mind, and to take you all along for the ride. Buckle your seatbelts, its bound to get bumpy. :)

Sadness

How can I possibly convey the sadness I am feeling over the deaths of the young, beautiful Rabbi and Rivka Holtzberg? There are no words to describe the intense shock and grief I feel over two people I have never met. Its the Jewish connection; its the invisible yet invincible tie that binds me to the past, present, and future of Judaism everywhere. It is, for me, not abstract; it is physical and emotional and real.
This young couple serving the Chabad lost their lives simply for being Jewish. This sweet baby Moshe has become orphaned simply because he is Jewish. I suppose I must look at the other side of the coin; baby Moshe was saved because he was Jewish--his Nanny was able to escape with the baby, I imagine this nanny knew that the little boy would also be killed.
I can only pray, and keep typing out my thoughts. Here is the email most recently received from Chabad:








In shock, we join more than 3000 Chabad Centers and world Jewry in mourning the tragic and senseless murder of our friends and colleagues, Rabbi Gavriel Holtzberg and his wife, Rivkah, Chabad emissaries to Mumbai, India, along with other Jewish hostages (may Hashem avenge their blood!)

My emotions are raw and numb and I don't really have any words to describe my feelings. The only thing which comes to mind is, let's fight terror by increasing in our good deeds. Let's just do random acts of kindness. Even though we may not feel like it, let's do extra mitzvos.

Light candles, study torah, go to shul, give charity, say a prayer...whatever. Let us become just a little better for the memory of Gavriel, Rivkah, and the other terrorist victims.

To support their orphaned toddler, go to www.chabadindia.org For more information about this selfless, young couple please go to www.ChabadMedford.org/773691

May G-d watch over us, and may we merit the end of all our pain and suffering with the arrival of Moshiach, NOW!!

Although this is not a scheduled week for a Minyan, we have decided to hold a Friday Night Minyan this week in merit of Rabbi Gavriel Holtzberg, his wife Rivkah, and the other Jews that were with them.

The Minyan will take place at our home 22 Wisina Ct., Medford, NJ.

Feel free to forward this email.
www.ChabadMedford.org/Minyan

Shabbat Shalom,

Rabbi Yitzchok



Chabad in Medford
www.ChabadMedford.org






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