Faith...

Or lack thereof? I can't say necessarily that I'm questioning my faith; I know believe completely, with all of my heart and all of my mind, that God is in control, that only God has the power. I suppose it could be that I am pondering the strength of my faith in some way. Am I not believing strongly enough? Am I still trying to control too many things? Am I misenterpreting messages? Maybe I need to re-read the story of Jacob and how he wrestled with it all. No, I'm not liking myself to Jacob--although actually, maybe we are all like Jacob, searching and wrestling with all that should be plainly visible to us. When I was younger, growing up, I had these recurring dreams that were centered around God and my belief in Him. They were powerful and, while I can absolutely remember the dream in detail, I wish the dream would return to me, because I can't quite "feel" it. There is a point in the dream where I put my hand in God's hand and the warmth, love, and security I would feel were the most comforting feelings I had ever felt. Maybe I have a block on it, because I simply can not call up that feeling. I need to find a way to tap back into that, and allow myself to fully believe that I can let Him guide me. I just can't find a way to take recent events and make sense of it all.

"The Fourteen Days Of Homeschool"

I got this in my email, we all loved it!

written by a homeschool mom and her kids

(Sing this to the tune of "THE 12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS")

On the first day of home school my neighbor said to me, "Can you home school legally?"

On the second day of home school my neighbor said to me, "Are they socialized, can you home school legally?"

On the third day of home school my neighbor said to me, "Do you give them tests, are they socialized, can you home school legally?"

On the fourth day of home school my neighbor said to me, "What about P.E., do you give them tests, are they socialized, can you home school legally?"

On the fifth day of home school my neighbor said to me, "YOU ARE SO STRANGE! What about P.E., do you give them tests, are they socialized, can you home school legally?"

On the Sixth day of home school my neighbor said to me, "How long will you home school, YOU ARE S0 STRANGE, what about P.E., do you give them tests, are they socialized, can you home school legally?"

On the seventh day of home school my neighbor said to me, "Look at what they're missing, how long will you home school, YOU ARE SO STRANGE!, what about P.E., do you give them tests, are they socialized, do you home school legally?"

On the eighth day of home school my neighbor said to me, "Why do you do this, look at what they're missing, how long will you home school, YOU ARE SO STRANGE, what about P.E. do you give them tests, are they socialized, do you home school legally?"

On the ninth day of home school my neighbor said to me, "They'll miss the prom, why do you do this, look at what they're missing, how long will you home school, YOU ARE SO STRANGE!, what about P.E., do you give them tests, are they socialized, do you home school legally?"

On the tenth day of home school my neighbor said to me, "What about graduation, they'll miss the prom, why do you do this, look at what they're missing, how long will you home school, YOU ARE SO STRANGE!, what about P.E., do you give them tests, are they socialized, can you home school legally?"

On the eleventh day of home school my neighbor said to me, "I could never do that, what about graduation, they'll miss the prom, why do you do this, look at what they're missing, how long will you homeschool, YOU ARE SO STRANGE, what about P.E. do you give them tests, are they socialized, can you homeschool legally?"

On the twelfth day of homeschool my neighbor said to me, "Can they go to college, I could never do that, what about graduation, they'll miss the prom, why do you do this, look at what they're missing, how long will you homeschool, YOU ARE SO STRANGE, What about P.E., do you give them tests, are they socialized, can you homeschool legally?"

On the thirteenth day of homeschool I thoughtfully replied: "They can go to college, yes you can do this, they can have graduation, we don't like the prom, we do it cuz we like it, they are missing nothing, we'll homeschool forever, WE ARE NOT STRANGE!, We give them P.E., and we give them tests, they are socialized, AND WE HOMESCHOOL LEGALLY!

On the fourteenth day of homeschool my neighbor said to me, "How can I get Started, why didn't you tell me, where do I buy curriculum, when is the next conference, WILL PEOPLE THINK WE'RE STRANGE? I think we can do this, if you will help us, can we join P.E. and we'll home school legally."

Faith part 2

Hmmm, this having faith thing is really proving itself to me, maybe a bit too much? No, no, I know I only get what I can handle and/or need at any given moment. Trying to decide what actually are "messages" and what are not is so hard. I suppose everything is a message, really; decoding is the difficult part. I could take things as all messages and just keep going, day by day, using my thinking of as long as I do one thing each day that takes me in a forward progression for my life than its good. Then I find myself stuck, feeling as though I *must* pay attention to each message and find a way to act or re-act to them. This is my stumbling point, and I have to figure out a way through this.

Grey's Anatomy????

Okay, I do love this show again, or at least, I really was loving this show again...but, what the heck is the deal with Izzy and Denny? The first episode he was on, okay; then another, and another, and now I think its been 4 episodes with no explanation and its annoying!! There, I feel better. :)

Faith

At times like these, people would say "your faith is being tested". Years ago, I'd have absolutely believed the same thing. Now, however, as I've read, studied, absorbed, and embraced different aspects of faith, my perspective is completely different. See, I think that for a lot people, that statement is a negative; that G-d is punishing a person for losing faith. I feel like its more of a gentle, loving reminder that He is still here, with me. That no matter how bad things may be, they could always be worse. The past few days I have found myself sinking into a bit of a "funk" (I don't want to call it depression, ummmm...denial anyone). I opened my inbox to find a request for a daily gratitude list--just 3 things I'm grateful for, each day. I firmly believe that is my G-d saying "hellooooooooooo, I'm heeeeeeere, remember??" Over the past week, a hospital in Hamilton (Children's Specialized Hospitals) went out on a limb to accept whatever our insurance pays them to get Zachary in. I was moved to tears by this outreach after months upon months of frustration trying to get him an evaluation somehwere that didn't cost $2000 up front just to walk in the door. This woman closed the "rule" book and spoke to her insurance people and got it done for us. There's G-d again...He's everywhere, huh! And I guess that's His whole point, to remind me He really is everywhere. Perhaps a couple weeks ago, or months ago, ahd I called this place, I may have spoken to someone else who would have just said no. Had Brooke not told me about bringing her daughter there I probably wouldn't have tried, as I do think I had called them at some point in the process. My faith is strong, and I just have to remember that my faith is strong. As a friend said once, I have to remember to "rest in the arms of G-d". Not walk with G-d, not find G-d; remembering I can rest in His arms is the knowledge that He is right here, with me, always.

Life is funny, and.....

all I can say is, WTF? Yes, I know, ugly language and I apologize, its just what is going through my head the past couple days. Kind of like a mantra--"wtf, wtf, wtf, wtf..." can you just imagine it? Festive season, smiles and joyful tunes abound, and all I hear in my head is "la la la laaaaaa wtf la la la wtf la la la laaaa wtf". At least I'm not asking "why?". I'm so ready for the hidden cameras to become visible so I can see its all a setup. And confetti will rain down upon my upturned face, as I scream in surprise and joy--oh crap, choke choke, that damn confetti just went down my throat, argh..wait, no, no confetti just my cough and reality.
"Life has a funny, funny way of helping you out when you're feeling down and everything blows up in your faaaaaaaayaaaaayaaaace...." Words by Alanis Morisette. I'll wait for the reasons, I'll watch for the signs pointing me in the right direction. I'll work back towards digging down deep and get that faith I have rolling me along again. Some day I'll look back and laugh. NOT! I've already erupted in fits of inappropriate, untimely giggles, why wait?

Why a new blog?

I need a "place" to journal my own grownup world. This will be my place to peruse the far reaches of my mind, and to take you all along for the ride. Buckle your seatbelts, its bound to get bumpy. :)